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I seem to bring up my husbands secret friendship a lot…..   which has pros & cons… obvious con being that I bring it up a lot 😉 but a pro could be that I can bring it up & say her name without feeling like I am going to be sick…. or without my blood boiling (though depending on what I’ve brought up & how long the conversation goes…. sometimes my blood still boils) and I can say her name now with it tasting like poison…. so that’s something right?   I really don’t feel guilty for continuing to bring it up to ask questions… new questions, the same questions etc….. I think until I no longer feel the need to ask questions, then should I not have the freedom to bring it up?  I’m not asking in a way that he’s under attack….. or in an angry tone.   For the most part, it’s just me, normal tone asking questions.  Trying to understand where his mind was during that time, so I understand.  It won’t ever be ok, he’ll never hear me say “ooooh, ok, I totally understand and you  know what hon, it’s ok”…. that’ll never happen.  But trying to have an understanding of ‘why’ it happened actually really helps me.   We’ve come a long way in the past 2 months becasue he’s never not been available for this.  He doesn’t say no.  He doesn’t say I’m the one refusing to let go.  He never accuses me of anything negative and truly does his best to try to give me the answers I need – about a time where he feels utter disgust about himself.  I know this, and I still ask him questions…..

Some might think that’s really mean of me.  Some might say I AM the one keeping it alive.   What I know is that for 2 years he hid a woman from me that he knew I’d be totally uncomfortable with how they interact because she wanted to have sex with him, and while they didn’t have sex….. he always knew he could if he wanted to so it’s kinda like that option was just kept nicely in his back pocket in case he ever decided he wanted to dabble in the completely forbidden kindom….   So what’s fair.   Day for day?  Should I be entitled to ask questions for at least as long as his secret lasted?   I’m not really keeping score on the time frame but I do know that I will continue to ask questions until I don’t need to ask anymore.   It’s not about punishing him, it’s about me being able to get through the day.  It’s about me asking “so why did this happen” getting an answer & carrying on with the day instead of keeping it inside & havin to deal with the aftermath of his bad & selfish choices by myself (totally unfair) and having all that negative energy bottled up inside and completely ruining my day/week/month etc…. and lets face it, if left alone to deal with his mess on my own it’s only going to make me hate him that day.   At least when I’m asking questions & he totally engages in the conversation & tries his best to give me an answer that makes sense to me and the time line/sequence of events…. then he’s actually doing something positive and trying to help.   I remember when I first found out about his secrets and tried to find everything I could to read to help to gain insight on well everything about my new unfamiliar awful world (though there is very little out there where it’s in between an emotional affair and secret friend) I kept reading how the spouse who strayed HAS to help the betrayed spouse heal…. I remember thinking, pfft yea right can you go back in time & erase it???? that is the ONLY way you can help me.   But with time in between the moment of truth & learning to live with the truth & seeing a furture with this new past…. I now understand that in our case, the way he is able to help me deal with his betrayal is to never shut me down…..  That is not to say that I can be a total bitch & abuse him with shame & belitting….. I don’t do that (anymore, but was def guilty of that at the moment of truth) it just means that he doesn’t say things to me like:  “we’ve moved on, drop it” or “are we going to do this again” or “why are we having this same conversation over & over”….. and I know there are spouses out there that do that, even knowing how they completely crushed the one they married & vowed to love & protect…. so while my husband is capable of giving in to egotistical motives that leave me completely out of the equation in his decision to do something…. he’s also capable of being selfless and compasionate of the emotional injury he has inflicted on me and he is really doing all he knows how to do to try to help me heal…..  I don’t think he will ever be this selfish ever again…. whether we make it or not.  I think that he’s finally owned this, and has finally looked in the mirror & sees who he was when he made these decisions & is ashamed of himself becasue of his own expecations of himself and not because of what I expect or anyone else…. and that in my opinion is how we all grow spiritually…. I have seen the change…. this I know.

I can’t help but still wish that this never happened to us.   I miss the fairytale version of us and the innocence that was lost at the moment of truth……  of course now I know it WAS a fairytale….. but as I write this, I just miss the safety to be vulnerable and I truly loved that…. hopefully one day I will feel safe again.