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I have learned that he can’t take care of me.  I am the only person who can be expected to fully consider what is best for me.  I think I got so comfortable with the idea that he would always take care of me that I stopped actually seeing reality…. until it was too late & it was slapping me in the face.   By that point he was in over his head and he had no idea how to fix the mess he’d created.  It started in 2011 but I didn’t notice anything was wrong until early 2012… and I didn’t demand it stop or he’d lose me until 2013 — I cringe thinking about it now….. I had uncovered lies, and I did suspect another woman was involved… I begged him to tell me the truth… but foolishly I chose to believe his continued lies about this.   He was afriad to lose me he now says so he kept his secret.  Because I am a woman, and have incredible intuition I always knew… and ultimately never stopped asking quetsions until the truth was staring him in the face and he STIll tried to deny what it was… but the truth is…. from the moment I knew something was wrong in 2012, I knew what it was I just couldn’t believe my own thoughts becuase he was the most honest man I’d ever known…. breaks my heart.  He had from Fall 2013 to Feb 2015 to come clean & never did… it continues to hurt still… it’s so unfair that not only did he do it, he made me work for the truth that trickled out ever so slowly……

 I would never do to him what he did to me.  Not because there weren’t or won’t be times in our marriage where I’m bored, or feeling like “really, this is it for the rest of my life” and then go get me a little pick me up with a ‘friend’ who will ooze compliments my way… I could soak it up for as long as I need and then when I’m feeling bored of that I can reinvest myself in my marriage & tell myself that because I didn’t have sex with anyone, I did nothing wrong.   In fact, a lot of people reading this might think that as long as you’re not physically involved, ‘it’s not that bad’.   What’s so dangerous about secret friendships & flirtatious interactions as long as you don’t act on them?  It’s not the friendship that’s dangerous, it’s the secrecy.  It’s not the flirting that’s dangerous, it’s the lack of regard & respect for your partner.   People can have healthy  appropriate friendships with members of the opposite sex, absolutely I believe this….. but any person you keep a secret from your spouse is not someone you should be friends with…. 
I am guilty for still thinking of her.   I don’t blame her at all, she never made any promises to me… but that doesn’t mean I like her or think she’s a nice person… I don’t, I think she’s a lousy peson with low morals & I just don’t like her at all.   I think it’s really unfair that she ended up unscathed by this.   She put a lot of effort in her relationship with my husband and I wish that I got the pleasure to see her marriage in trouble because her husband isn’t ok with the innapropriatness of his wife’s part in it all.   I think it’s a real fucking drag that she walked away from this saying “I” was delusional for thinking what she & my husband had was ‘an affair of some sorts’.   I think it’s a real drag that she didn’t have to explain to me why she emailed my husband 200+ times in 2 years.  I think it’s a real piss off that she doesn’t have to explain to me why she kept going to my husbands work to visit him…. yes I realize that he allowed it to happen… he HAS had to explain it to me… but I think it’s fucking bullshit that she doesn’t have to own it & explain it to me too.  I’d like to hear her explain why it was so important they she got to hug him…. why she felt the need to ask in emails over & over & over for a hug next time she sees him… and then the night it did happen, why she fucking emailed him first to say “”don’t forget, I owe you a hug” to set it up to ENSURE the hug was gonna happen….   I want her to explain to me why she needed to tell my husband what sex positions she liked….  I really fucking wanna know why she asked my husband to work late with her New Years Eve 2012 and why she didn’t want to spend new year’s with her own family???   I want to know why she would ask him “if a ‘certain’ someone thinks something is going on between them”.  I’d love to know in her words why she stopped asking about me, his wife & only asked about ‘his’ son as tho the ‘wife’ no longer existed.   I would like to know what she has to say for herself with regards to all of it.    But nope, instead of attempting to explain it to me so that she can actually clear this all up & show me I’ve really read into this the wrong way, she has NEVER spoken to me about it.  When I emailed her and presented her with what I thought had happened….. she blocked me from social media and called my husband to tell him she’d better not hear from his wife again…. that she’s outraged at what was being alleged & that she trusted him as a friend & coworker as someone she could ask work quesitons….. unreal.     I think if a woman accused me of all this & I truly felt unjustly accused I would absolutely talk to her.  I would never ever let another woman think that I was a part of all this IF I truly wasn’t….   Nope… I think the fact that she’s afraid to talk me speaks volumes.   I think she would be mortified to sit & read all the emails and HER OWN words to my husband if she truly thinks she did nothing wrong.   If nothing else, she’d understand why his wife would see it as an affair of some sort because of all the times she crossed the inappropriate line and all the times HE LET HER.   I wish I had the guts to tell her husband.  I don’t, but I wish I did.

I just seem to go from good to ok, to good to meh, to good to fucking awful… sneaks up on me out of no where… it stinks.

I know I have to pull myself together.  I know talking it out with my husband can only do so much.  He can’t take it back… he can’t change our past back to what it was.  This is our life & our new past….   I need take better care of myself emotionally.   I stopped going to counselling & perhaps that was a really bad idea.  In fact, I think after I hit post, I will set up an appt.  I know I’m going to be ok… I am just having a bad day.

I am strong.  I am beautiful.  I am funny.  I am intelligent.  I am kind.  I am loving.   It’s ok to be sad and it’s ok to have moments of weakness & grieve the loss of my marriage.   I am sad……. & it’s ok.                                           I am woman hear me roar.

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