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I have learned that he can’t take care of me. I am the only person who can be expected to fully consider what is best for me. I think I got so comfortable with the idea that he would always take care of me that I stopped actually seeing reality…. until it was too late & it was slapping me in the face. By that point he was in over his head and he had no idea how to fix the mess he’d created. It started in 2011 but I didn’t notice anything was wrong until early 2012… and I didn’t demand it stop or he’d lose me until 2013 — I cringe thinking about it now….. I had uncovered lies, and I did suspect another woman was involved… I begged him to tell me the truth… but foolishly I chose to believe his continued lies about this. He was afriad to lose me he now says so he kept his secret. Because I am a woman, and have incredible intuition I always knew… and ultimately never stopped asking quetsions until the truth was staring him in the face and he STIll tried to deny what it was… but the truth is…. from the moment I knew something was wrong in 2012, I knew what it was I just couldn’t believe my own thoughts becuase he was the most honest man I’d ever known…. breaks my heart. He had from Fall 2013 to Feb 2015 to come clean & never did… it continues to hurt still… it’s so unfair that not only did he do it, he made me work for the truth that trickled out ever so slowly……
I would never do to him what he did to me. Not because there weren’t or won’t be times in our marriage where I’m bored, or feeling like “really, this is it for the rest of my life” and then go get me a little pick me up with a ‘friend’ who will ooze compliments my way… I could soak it up for as long as I need and then when I’m feeling bored of that I can reinvest myself in my marriage & tell myself that because I didn’t have sex with anyone, I did nothing wrong. In fact, a lot of people reading this might think that as long as you’re not physically involved, ‘it’s not that bad’. What’s so dangerous about secret friendships & flirtatious interactions as long as you don’t act on them? It’s not the friendship that’s dangerous, it’s the secrecy. It’s not the flirting that’s dangerous, it’s the lack of regard & respect for your partner. People can have healthy appropriate friendships with members of the opposite sex, absolutely I believe this….. but any person you keep a secret from your spouse is not someone you should be friends with….
I am guilty for still thinking of her. I don’t blame her at all, she never made any promises to me… but that doesn’t mean I like her or think she’s a nice person… I don’t, I think she’s a lousy peson with low morals & I just don’t like her at all. I think it’s really unfair that she ended up unscathed by this. She put a lot of effort in her relationship with my husband and I wish that I got the pleasure to see her marriage in trouble because her husband isn’t ok with the innapropriatness of his wife’s part in it all. I think it’s a real fucking drag that she walked away from this saying “I” was delusional for thinking what she & my husband had was ‘an affair of some sorts’. I think it’s a real drag that she didn’t have to explain to me why she emailed my husband 200+ times in 2 years. I think it’s a real piss off that she doesn’t have to explain to me why she kept going to my husbands work to visit him…. yes I realize that he allowed it to happen… he HAS had to explain it to me… but I think it’s fucking bullshit that she doesn’t have to own it & explain it to me too. I’d like to hear her explain why it was so important they she got to hug him…. why she felt the need to ask in emails over & over & over for a hug next time she sees him… and then the night it did happen, why she fucking emailed him first to say “”don’t forget, I owe you a hug” to set it up to ENSURE the hug was gonna happen…. I want her to explain to me why she needed to tell my husband what sex positions she liked…. I really fucking wanna know why she asked my husband to work late with her New Years Eve 2012 and why she didn’t want to spend new year’s with her own family??? I want to know why she would ask him “if a ‘certain’ someone thinks something is going on between them”. I’d love to know in her words why she stopped asking about me, his wife & only asked about ‘his’ son as tho the ‘wife’ no longer existed. I would like to know what she has to say for herself with regards to all of it. But nope, instead of attempting to explain it to me so that she can actually clear this all up & show me I’ve really read into this the wrong way, she has NEVER spoken to me about it. When I emailed her and presented her with what I thought had happened….. she blocked me from social media and called my husband to tell him she’d better not hear from his wife again…. that she’s outraged at what was being alleged & that she trusted him as a friend & coworker as someone she could ask work quesitons….. unreal. I think if a woman accused me of all this & I truly felt unjustly accused I would absolutely talk to her. I would never ever let another woman think that I was a part of all this IF I truly wasn’t…. Nope… I think the fact that she’s afraid to talk me speaks volumes. I think she would be mortified to sit & read all the emails and HER OWN words to my husband if she truly thinks she did nothing wrong. If nothing else, she’d understand why his wife would see it as an affair of some sort because of all the times she crossed the inappropriate line and all the times HE LET HER. I wish I had the guts to tell her husband. I don’t, but I wish I did.
I just seem to go from good to ok, to good to meh, to good to fucking awful… sneaks up on me out of no where… it stinks.
I know I have to pull myself together. I know talking it out with my husband can only do so much. He can’t take it back… he can’t change our past back to what it was. This is our life & our new past…. I need take better care of myself emotionally. I stopped going to counselling & perhaps that was a really bad idea. In fact, I think after I hit post, I will set up an appt. I know I’m going to be ok… I am just having a bad day.
I am strong. I am beautiful. I am funny. I am intelligent. I am kind. I am loving. It’s ok to be sad and it’s ok to have moments of weakness & grieve the loss of my marriage. I am sad……. & it’s ok. I am woman hear me roar.
Bugsmetwo said:
You are Wonderful!
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If Not Just Friends Than What said:
Thank you. You are too and I sincerely appreciate you!! Xo 💕💕💕
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thenothatemyhusbandproject said:
Love this hell yeah you are! And no matter what she’ll say it will never be good enough because she’s EWWW… icky!! Grieve away dear sister.. here’s to the pain and the triumph.. Here’s to our new dreams and passions.. ❤
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If Not Just Friends Than What said:
Thank you, you just made me lol actually, she is ewwwwww …. icky!
xoxo
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KcRambles said:
You are beautiful, talented, funny, entertaining and a wonderful person. You rock and never forget that! ❤
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If Not Just Friends Than What said:
Thank you, I really like you as well xoxo
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fairytalefailure said:
I know exactly how you feel – because as I said my husband had this odd emotional affair that had a strange sexual component a couple of times, but that doesn’t seem to be the main function. When I first found out about her, I couldn’t understand why she wouldn’t talk to me either, for the same reasons you mentioned. I would not let another woman worry that I had inappropriate intentions with her husband. I also didn’t understand why my husband didn’t want me to see him with her and make sure that if they were just friends then they were able to convince me of this. If my husband was ever worried about a male coworker or friend and seriously thought something inappropriate was going on, I explained to him that I couldn’t imagine doing anything other than getting them both in the same place and making sure my husband knew I was respecting our marriage. That would be my immediate response. He didn’t do that and he never let the three of us be in the same place at the same time. That’s one reason why I kept pushing and digging and found out more and didn’t believe it was innocent.
I’m glad you are taking care of yourself and I hope that he will find a way to help reassure you also. You are absolutely strong. xx
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If Not Just Friends Than What said:
I know… I completely understand the need to keep digging… like I’ve told you too, I always knew there was a woman in our life too. I do believe it wasn’t sexual physically… but still inappropriate just the same.
Our stories have a lot in common…. it makes me sad for you too. but, I am very thankful you’ve shared your story with us. xo
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fairytalefailure said:
Yes, I didn’t mean that your husband’s was not just emotional – I just mean that I knew my husband and the OW weren’t the innocent friends that he was saying they were because if they were he would have cleared it up right away. For several months I believed I was looking for proof of an emotional affair. And it turned out that they did have sex, but he saw her every day to talk to her and hang out and get his ego fed and that’s where I mean that he didn’t use her for sex as much as he used her for his emotional needs. I have a harder time with this because I could understand a sexual affair or an emotional affair and try to work through the reasons for one or the other, but it wasn’t even both. He wasn’t even trying to have a real relationship and says that never even considered it. It’s like he was willing to take whatever she was offering at the time. I don’t know. But it makes me crazy because I don’t know how this worthless person was able to be all these things to him. Ugh.
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If Not Just Friends Than What said:
Omg yes, I totally know what you mean… it is so hard to understand… but our situations while different, are so much alike. My husband says the same thing… didn’t mean anything, barely cared for her, well didn’t ‘care’ about her, only cared that she kept telling him how wonderful he was…. yet if too much time went by without them talking *roughly 2 months each time* then he’d email her & start it all up all over again… so does that not mean he missed her?? Cause that what it says to me. He says no, that’s not what it means…. so then ok, what does it mean. It’s a horrible cycle we get in where I need answers that he can’t give.
Like you, I’ve read about the different types of affairs, and this doesn’t fit into anything that I’ve read… it is basically an in appropriate platonic friendship where there was sexual attraction on at least one side…. hers. However his enjoyment of the attention from her because he knew she wanted to sleep with him is inappropriateness that he brings to the table along with not feeling a shred of guilt for the 2 years it happened on & off…
How does anyone do that without feeling guilty? How do you lie to your wife for so long and not feel guilt…. that is scary and could make it very very difficult to ever trust him again.
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fairytalefailure said:
Okay, so yes! That’s just about as close as I’ve read it described anywhere. He knew she wanted him, and that is literally the only thing he wanted from her. Everything he did was to confirm that he could have sex with her if he wanted, and for a while he thought he could control that part, but I guess at some point (3 points, technically) he followed through and took her up on it. He liked controlling her and knowing she would do anything he told her to do. Can you have an ego affair? I know they say that they are all selfish and about egos, but seriously this is not really a pattern that fits into any that I read about. He didn’t like her. He didn’t want her. He liked that she worshipped him. The whole thing is so bizarre. I could think of a lot of times my self-esteem could use a boost and I didn’t go that route.
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If Not Just Friends Than What said:
I have actually asked my counsellor if it’s ok for me to label it that… An Ego affair. She has always maintained that I can call it whatever I want but in her opinion this does not qualify as an affair, but an inappropriate friendship. I struggle with that. It feels less damaging to only call it a friendship and it destroyed me.
Maybe one day we’ll figure it out. But I think you and I have offered an alternative to any readers looking for something to help them understand. And for that, I think it’s great we’ve shared our stories. It’s a terrible thing we’ve bonded about. And yet it is what it is.
Xo
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strongerthanyouxoxo said:
You and I could be the same person! The lies, the uncovered truths that seem to come uncovered bit by bit is the worst. Here we are painstakingly, putting the pieces back together like a jigsaw, while she is living her life quite contently. Makes me want to come out of my skin. The only thing that helps is to think, “Karma is a bitch”… She will get what’s coming to her. Hang in there. It’s a tough road we are on. But we are strong, intelligent, and have strong character! We can get through anything!
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If Not Just Friends Than What said:
Thank you 💕 I am sorry we are connected this way but I am happy to have you here. Thank you for you encouragement xo
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