Forgiving

Forgiving is hard… it’s really really hard and it does feel like a sacrifice.  But a sacrifice of what…. a different past?  Cause that ain’t happening… so what the hell am I hoping for…. What am I waiting for?   Him to be sorry… he is.   Him to make huge efforts… he is.  Him to grow internally… he is.  Him to not talk to her or see her… he did that way before I ever found out.  Him to be honest & trustworthy?  I think he is, but with all the lies in our immediate past, obviously this one is tricky.  I think yea, he is telling me the truth about everything now… but the path of destruction to get ‘here’ is long…. and even though I think he’s being honest & not doing anything that would hurt us, it doesn’t make it any easier to believe and I find myself still picking up his phone to check his messages & emails (as if he’d be stupid enough to have it delivered to his phone after all this) but still I check… And I find nothing that would be unacceptable.

So I guess I have forgiven him for 3 years of lies & deception.  But we aren’t out of the woods yet, and still have a ways to go.  He’s making huge efforts yes, but when it comes to what I need, he’s still falling down and keeps telling me he’ll get better at what my emotional needs are and not what he thinks I need… I need to know this effects him too – personally – and not just him being there for me while I get over this…. I’m sure any betrayed can understand what I mean.  I want to know that you are changed by this too – not just me – that you miss the old us too, frig, the old me!  I miss the old me…. it took 42 years to make her and she was changed entirely by this betrayal…. don’t you miss her?  Then tell me, seems simply to me, but he struggles with this.

I have received a few emails recently thanking me for telling my story.  I can’t tell you what that means to me.   When I discovered whatever it’s called that I discovered there was nothing online that I found that was what I was experiencing.  Lots on full blown & emotional affairs but there was nothing about an affair of the ego (non emotional, non physical) and I have been learning as much as I can about how we all tick and one day hope to feel confident enough to write about what I’ve learned.  The ego is a beast all on it’s own so when it takes over, watch out.  We all have it in us and in fact, we need egos to get us through a lot of our lives…. but when the ego is in control, it’s not good.  More on that another time — and of course it goes without saying anything I write is my own little opinion – I don’t claim to be an expert!  Until next time, thank you & stay in touch xo

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