I think the worst feeling of the aftermath of an affair is feeling like you’ve lost your person…. Not your husband or wife but your person. The one who gets you, the one who’s always there for you, the one who you want to be with for every important moment in your life… good, or bad – your person is the one who you can’t imagine experiencing anything of any important without.
My marriage did not break up. My husband has done everything in his power to win me back and continues to do so even tho we’ve almost at 2 years discovery day anniversary… but it’s not the same as before that day, and we both know it never will be. Because our past now has betrayal in it. Our marriage has another women in it. It has lies and disappointment & hurt in it… but even all of those awful things are not as bad as feeling alone & missing your person.
I long for feeling of vulnerability but my brain won’t allow me to go there often. I have glimmers of hope, I have had moments lost in it but my mind is stronger than my longing & I think I am trying to protect myself from a very real hurt that this man inflicted upon me. I know that breaks his heart.
If only there was a way for people who are tempted to stray to know that they will be caught, they will destroy their marriage, they will hurt for years & will hurt the one they say they love the most…. Years will be lost even if the marriage survives.
I miss my person and it doesn’t help for him to say ‘but I’m right here’ because that safe vulnerability is just not there and it’s not the same.
I guess I’m just on my path… and maybe one day I’ll feel normal again…. Or at the very least, feel like I have my person that gets me, loves me, will protect me and will not cheat on me because the idea of hurting me is UNTHINKABLE.